I recently chatted with a CTO who said things were personally abysmal at work for a couple of years, but now were “finally improving.” Of course, it’s good when things are getting better, but experience shows that these long stretches of frustration aren’t inevitable. They’re usually a combination of martyrdom mindset and pessimism. This is “the passion” of tech executives: self-imposed suffering that feels noble but isn’t.

How We Get Here

Many tech leaders deprioritize their own well-being, sometimes without even realizing it. Often, consciously or not, we misunderstand the leader’s role as the person who “soaks up” everything unpleasant to “protect” the team. Or the belief that work is supposed to be work. It’s fine that it sucks.

I have a regular opening question with new clients: “Are you having fun?” Routinely, it’s met with laughter, as if fun is an absurd concept for someone in these positions. This becomes your default operating mode. You inculcate yourself to think general suck-iness is just the way things are.

Why That’s Wrong

First, as part of the shift I want to propose in your thinking, let’s start with the egoistic argument: Life’s short. You’re in one of the most privileged roles on earth. Most tech leaders have significant control over their situation. Taking better care of yourself isn’t a fantasy, but a viable and accessible option.

Then, there’s also the performance angle. Leaders who spend months or years with a suffering mindset carry too much cognitive load. Every day is already a struggle, which makes it incredibly hard to come up with strategically ambitious ideas. You can’t think big when you’re barely keeping your head above water.

This naturally leads to more burnout. Martyr leaders burn out faster, meaning that this approach not only doesn’t help them (“I’ll suck it up and enjoy the results later”) but actually leads to their failure because the approach cannot sustain them long enough to reach the goal. They make this big sacrifice for nothing.

And let’s be honest, in most cases, nobody is even acknowledging or rewarding you for this suffering. No one’s giving you credit for being miserable. Its’ a lot of wasted effort for nothing.

What to change

To dig yourself out of this hole and start correcting course, start by giving yourself permission to matter. Acknowledge that your well-being should be a factor in decisions, not tossed aside as an afterthought. Yes, there are other priorities, but you’re allowed to be one of the factors taken into consideration.

You should also tackle systemic pessimism if that’s your default lens on the world (or at least work). You have to grow your executive mindset. Pathological pessimism caps your innovation and energy. Sometimes, to make a change here, the best route is getting some coaching or even therapy. There’s no shame in that, and it can really take a load off your back.

Then, you should make a point of tacking martyrdom rather than automatically accepting it. Look at what’s actually draining your energy and consider what changes are possible. A common example is when leaders exhaust themselves “protecting” their team, not realizing they could reduce those issues from arising so frequently in the first place.

Or that their direct reports would actually grow from being exposed to the real world. The opportunity to tackle things themselves without your constant shielding is actually a personal growth accelerator. That’s how people become more senior, not by having their manager constantly hover around them.

That CTO we started the article with spent 10% of his adulthood so far or so, doing daily work that drained him. He’ll never get that time back, nor know what he could’ve achieved had he not been so engrossed in the daily struggle. Don’t make the same mistake.